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Why do I get angry?

Fri, 15 Nov 2024 11:45:15 GMT

“I don’t know what happened; I was able to hold it in, and then in that moment I just lost it. I don’t know why I did that.”

It’s a common story, one I hear time and time again.

The truth is that the story they tell me is a small part of a much larger story.

At Rock of Peace, we have taken a keen interest and curiosity in anger, a journey that started with founder and director Susan Armitage working with clients and noticing themes with those she worked with. It’s lead to a book, Over the Walls of Anger, Into Each Other’s Arms, and development of programs that we use for those who come to us looking for support with their anger.

Everyone experiences anger. What makes it a fascinating emotion is the various ways that humans have learned what to do with it. For many, it’s an emotion that is seen as bad, or wrong, or problematic. As we dig deeper, the “bad” is attributed typically to the expression of anger rather than the emotion. It’s about the behaviour.

This contributes to a cycle in one’s behaviour. A situation happens, maybe one that has happened repeatedly. A partner does or says something, and the situation escalates to a point where you get angry, and you respond in a hurtful manner. From there, you go your separate ways, and after having some time to think about it you realize your mistake. There’s regret, maybe some guilt, possibly shame, and you’re left with wondering how this happened or why you did that. There may be a vow to never do that again.

The Over the Walls of Anger book provides an understanding for that question of why I get angry. “What if I were to tell you that much of your anger happens because when you are hurt, you fear disconnection and therefore want to draw your partner closer for comfort? And that, in order to do so, ironically, you react by emotionally pushing your partner away with your anger?”

It’s important to recognize that responding out of our anger is not only the person who expresses their anger verbally or physically. The introduction continues to explain that this fear of disconnection can have people respond both by an aggressive outward expression, or an inward silent expression as well. Answering the question of why you respond the way that you do is a topic that will come later.

The reality is that with our anger, one of the best tools to help us learn how to respond in ways that help foster that connection rather than hurt it is by growing in our self awareness. “A healthy self-awareness includes becoming aware of your own contribution to anger as well as recognizing your inability to control anything or anyone other than yourself” (pg. 7).

Sam Allison, MDiv., RP

Certified Anger Management Specialist (CAMS)

Certified Domestic Violence Specialist (CDVS-II)

At Rock of Peace Counselling we have tailored programs based on our book, Over The Walls Of Anger, Into Each Other's Arms to help your relationship thrive. Here is the link: https://www.rockofpeace.com/book

Six Steps to Strengthen Your Relationship Through Effective Communication in Newmarket

Wed, 24 Apr 2024 19:42:30 GMT

Relationship conflicts can intensify rapidly, but proactive steps can prevent damaging escalations. Understanding how to manage emotional responses and communicate effectively helps maintain healthy relationships. Here are six ways to avoid conflicts from harming your bond.

1. Establish a "We Need a Break" Signal

It's beneficial for couples to agree on a safe word or signal indicating the need to pause the conversation. This should be a neutral, non-provocative gesture that both partners can recognize and respect without feeling threatened. The signal should be used respectfully and never as a weapon in arguments.

2. Recognize the Signs of Destructive Arguments

Each couple has unique patterns of conflict that can escalate into unhealthy arguments. Take time with your partner to identify these patterns and discuss them openly. Understanding these triggers can help both partners intervene before the argument spirals out of control, whether it involves blame, name-calling, or other negative tactics.

3. Define the Meaning of a "Time Out"

Different interpretations of what a "time out" signifies can lead to misunderstandings. Discuss what taking a break means to each of you and ensure it's a positive and constructive tool to protect and respect your relationship rather than a way to withdraw affection or engagement. Emphasizing this can enhance the effectiveness of taking breaks during conflicts.

4. Set Clear Rules for Time Outs

If a timeout is called, the person who initiated it should be responsible for re-engaging and fostering the resolution process. Decide on an appropriate time-out duration—ideally, no less than 45 minutes to allow for emotional cooling but not exceeding 24 hours to avoid prolonged disconnection. This timeframe helps regulate both partners' nervous systems and prepares them for a more constructive dialogue.

5. Use the Break Wisely

Avoid spending the break period stewing over the conflict. Instead, engage in activities promoting calm and perspective, such as deep breathing, mindfulness exercises, walking, or physical activity. These practices help shift your focus and reduce emotional intensity, facilitating a healthier and more rational approach when the conversation resumes.

6. Reconnect with Care

When it's time to resume discussions, start by reconnecting emotionally. Share affirmations of appreciation, gauge each other's readiness to discuss the issue, and reaffirm your commitment to the relationship's well-being. Only after re-establishing this connection should you attempt to address the original topic of conflict. This structured approach helps ensure both partners are heard and valued, leading to more effective and empathetic communication.

Communicating effectively and managing conflicts effectively are essential to maintaining a strong and healthy relationship. Implementing these strategies helps couples in Newmarket navigate challenges more smoothly and strengthens their bond over time.

At Rock of Peace Counselling , we provide couples therapy to help couples in Newmarket enhance their relationships through improved communication and understanding. Our professional and compassionate approach ensures that every couple receives the guidance and support they need to foster a healthier, more loving relationship. Trust us to provide the expertise and care you need to navigate your relationship challenges successfully.

Setting Expectations for Your First Couples Counselling Sessions in Newmarket

Tue, 26 Mar 2024 07:40:25 GMT

If you and your partner contemplate embarking on couples counselling in Newmarket, you might be filled with curiosity and apprehension. What exactly is couples counselling? How does it unfold? Will the therapist favour my partner over me? Could therapy unsettle the calm yet unsatisfying rhythm of our relationship? And are those awkward moments of staring into each other's eyes and sharing feelings part of the process? Let's delve into what you can expect from the journey of couples counselling.

The Inner Workings of Couples Counselling

Couples therapy comes in various forms, but we often lean towards Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) here at Rock of Peace Counselling. EFT stands out as one of the leading, research-backed therapies for couples caught in conflict cycles, and it's effective.

The core of EFT is to rebuild the emotional bond between partners. When your relationship is grounded in a secure emotional connection, it becomes a sanctuary where vulnerability and honesty flourish. Your partner transforms into a pillar of support, and you learn to tune into each other's emotional needs and responses.

Initially, your therapist will help reduce the tension and guide you both to recognize and understand your patterns of conflict. Think of your relationship as a dance where missteps have become routine. Therapy offers a replay analysis, encouraging an awareness of how you've inadvertently stepped on each other's toes and fostering accountability for your actions in this dance. The aim is to alter those missteps and evolve your interaction patterns.

Addressing Common Concerns

Entering couples therapy can be as nerve-wracking as it is exhilarating. It's common for couples to share similar worries, such as fears of judgment from the therapist or concerns about bias. However, it is crucial to understand that relationships are complex. We've all caused pain to our loved ones at some point and acted in ways we regret. A qualified therapist creates a non-judgmental space for both partners to lay everything out openly. In EFT, every behaviour is seen as understandable, given one's life experiences. Thus, rather than assigning blame, the therapist encourages exploration into the underlying reasons behind these harmful interactions.

Despite their expertise, therapists are human and may bring their biases into the room. Sometimes, you might feel that the therapist is aligning more with your partner. It's vital to communicate if you ever think the balance is off, as a sound therapist values your feedback and will adjust accordingly to ensure both partners feel equally heard and respected.

The Timeline of Couples Counselling

Many couples are eager to see quick results from counselling, which is understandable given the investment of time and resources. However, the process should aim to achieve meaningful and enduring improvements promptly. Emotionally Focused Therapy typically spans 8 to 20 sessions, depending on the couple's unique situation. Years of repeating the same conflict cycle means significant time is needed to break old patterns and establish new, healthier ones.

Furthermore, couples therapy involves engaging in candid conversations and embracing vulnerability with your partner. This level of openness requires building a foundation of trust, where both individuals feel safe to take emotional risks. Rushing this process can lead to further misunderstandings and hurt.

Embracing Change Without Fear

Many couples hesitate to seek counselling out of fear that it will disrupt the superficial peace they've maintained. While it's true that addressing long-avoided issues can initially stir up conflicts, the goal of counselling is to guide you through these difficult conversations in a controlled and safe environment. This process is about confronting the issues that have led to disconnection, not to create strife but to heal and strengthen your bond.

Couples counselling can be daunting, but with commitment and the proper support, it can be an enriching and enjoyable experience. We hope this guide sheds some light on what to expect and helps you approach therapy with a more informed and open mind.

At Rock of Peace Counselling in Newmarket, we're dedicated to supporting couples through their counselling journey. Our team believes in creating a space where both partners can explore, understand, and grow together, building a stronger and more connected relationship. Let us guide you on this transformative path if you're considering couples therapy in Newmarket .

Unlocking the Key Elements for Strengthening Relationships

Wed, 13 Mar 2024 19:00:24 GMT

Every relationship needs foundational elements to thrive and grow. While each couple is unique in their dynamics and preferences, certain "ingredients" are universally essential for creating a robust and healthy partnership. These include trust, commitment, communication, appreciation, and injecting fun into the relationship. Missing any of these elements is like forgetting flour in a cake – the result won't be the same. This blog explores how couples in Newmarket can effectively incorporate these crucial ingredients into their relationships, offering a fresh perspective on nurturing your bond with your partner.

Trust and Commitment: The Bedrock of Love

Trust and commitment lay the groundwork for any enduring relationship, especially in the romantic context. Trust transcends mere fidelity; it encompasses the openness and honesty you share with your partner about all facets of your life and emotions. If expressing your true feelings or discussing concerns becomes challenging, it may signal underlying issues that need addressing. Rebuilding trust after it's been compromised is a daunting task but not an impossible one. Couples therapy can be valuable in such situations, providing a safe space for both partners to develop skills and strategies to mend and fortify their relationship.

Mastering the Art of Communication

Effective communication is pivotal for couples yet manifests differently in every relationship. A great starting point is initiating an open dialogue about how each partner prefers to communicate. Ensuring a comfortable and safe environment for sharing feelings and needs is essential. Engaging in proactive communication, such as routinely updating your partner about your emotional state and thoughts, can significantly enhance understanding and empathy within the relationship.

When disagreements arise, try to schedule a specific time to discuss the issue calmly. Employ "I-statements" to convey your feelings without casting blame, which can help in reducing defensive reactions. Remember, it's perfectly acceptable to take a break during heated discussions to gather your thoughts to revisit the conversation later with a clearer mind.

Cherishing the Little Moments

Long-term relationships can sometimes lead to partners taking each other for granted. It's crucial to continuously express gratitude and appreciation for your partner, acknowledging the significant and mundane aspects of what they bring to the relationship. Daily expressions of gratitude, no matter how small, can reinforce your partner's value in your life and nurture a deep sense of mutual respect and appreciation.

Reviving the Joy in Your Journey Together

Friendship forms the cornerstone of the most resilient relationships. Like any friend, your partner should be a source of joy and fun. Allocating time to enjoy shared activities can strengthen your bond and enhance the pleasure you derive from each other's company. Whether trying new hobbies, enjoying simple movie nights at home, or surprising each other with small gestures, keeping the element of fun alive is vital to a vibrant relationship.

It's normal for relationships to experience ebbs and flows. The "elements" discussed here will guide you in strengthening your bond with your partner. However, it's perfectly okay to seek external support when needed. Couples therapy offers a deeper exploration of these themes and can equip you with the tools and strategies tailored to your unique relationship dynamics.

For couples in Newmarket looking to enrich their relationship and navigate through challenges with professional support, Rock Of Peace Counselling is here to assist. Our dedicated team is committed to providing compassionate, personalized couples therapy in Newmarket to help you and your partner build a more fulfilling partnership. Reach out to Rock Of Peace Counselling and take a significant step towards nurturing and deepening your connection.

Three Common Listening Errors and Tips for Overcoming Them

Thu, 15 Feb 2024 14:00:58 GMT

Have you ever considered the power of your listening skills to strengthen your marriage? Listening isn't just about hearing words; it's about connecting, getting where your partner's coming from, and making them feel seen and heard. But let's be honest: genuinely listening is challenging. We all slip up, especially when things get tense. Let's chat about those listening hiccups that might be tripping you up.

The Listening Hiccups in Marriage

The Self-Defense Mechanism

Do you know when your partner's talking about something that bugs them, and all you can think about is what you'll say back? That's you in self-defence mode. It's like you're half-listening but just waiting for your turn to speak. We're not letting our partner's words in when we're all armoured up like that. What if we took a deep breath and tried to see things from their side instead? Imagine how much closer that could bring you two.

Jumping Straight to Fix-It Mode

Ever catch yourself throwing out solutions before your partner's even finished their sentence? It's like we're wired to fix things ASAP. But sometimes, your partner needs you to be there to hear them out, not to whip out a toolbox of quick fixes. It's about feeling with them, not just solving for them.

Being Too Sure of Yourself

Ever listen to your partner and think, "Well, that's not right"? We all do it. We've got the whole picture, and we're still waiting to get something. Everyone's got their take on things, shaped by stuff we might not see. Being open, asking questions, and diving into their origins can be a game-changer.

So, if you're nodding along, thinking, "Yep, that's us," it might be time to give us a call. Whether untangling communication knots or finding new ways to hear each other out, we're here to help. We're all about turning those listening hiccups into strengths. Our marriage counselling in Newmarket is about creating a space where both of you feel safe to open up and where listening turns into understanding and connecting on a deeper level.

At Rock of Peace Counselling , every couple has the potential to find their rhythm, to get each other, and to build a relationship that's strong, supportive, and full of understanding. Let's chat, listen, and see how we can strengthen your partnership.

Navigating Stress and Anxiety: Insights from a Newmarket Psychotherapist

Tue, 23 Jan 2024 20:45:00 GMT

A common difficulty people face is distinguishing between stress and anxiety. It's a misconception to deem one less significant than the other. As a psychotherapist in newmarket , I view these conditions through a different lens, neither inherently more severe nor more deserving of treatment. Stress is a physiological response to life's pressures, whereas anxiety is the anticipation of future threats with physical manifestations. While stress is transient, fluctuating with life's ebbs and flows, anxiety lingers, often overprotecting against both real and imagined threats.

Understanding the reactive nature of stress versus the proactive characteristic of anxiety is crucial.

Seeking Clarity: Stress or Anxiety?

"Is my experience normal?"

The curated snapshots of life we see daily at work or on social media can distort our perception of normalcy. However, many of those seemingly serene faces are masking their struggles. It's vital to recognize that experiencing stress and anxiety is entirely normal.

Internal Conflicts: "Why Am I Stressed for No Reason?"

Many who suffer from chronic anxiety express feelings of unexplained dread or panic. If you've ever criticized yourself for feeling anxious or stressed without an apparent cause, you must understand that your body's response to anxiety or stress is not within your conscious control. It's the work of your sympathetic nervous system, striving to protect you, sometimes a little too vigorously.

Childhood Experiences Shaping Anxiety

Your past, including your upbringing and life experiences, plays a significant role in shaping your responses to stress and anxiety. Whether growing up in a challenging environment, feeling pressured to meet specific standards, or dealing with stressful work and personal relationships, your nervous system has developed its response patterns for a reason.

Determining the Need for Professional Help

The crucial question many ask is whether their level of stress or anxiety justifies seeking treatment. Normalizing these feelings doesn't negate their impact on health and well-being. Persistent stress and anxiety not only hinder life enjoyment but can also contribute to serious health issues over time.

Understanding Stress and Anxiety: A Comprehensive View

If you find yourself researching stress or anxiety, it's likely indicative of a significant impact on your life. Addressing these issues might involve reducing life stressors or retraining your nervous system to react differently. It's about finding a balance where stress and anxiety don't dominate your daily experiences.

For those in Newmarket seeking support, a psychotherapist can provide valuable guidance. A psychotherapist can help navigate the complexities of stress and anxiety, offering strategies to manage and reduce their impact. In Newmarket, the need for understanding and addressing these concerns is paramount.

Whether it's navigating the nuances of stress and anxiety or embarking on a journey towards personal well-being, a psychotherapist in Newmarket can be your ally. Rock of Peace Counselling stands ready to assist those seeking a reliable and skilled team to aid in this journey, including a Certified Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional on our team. With a commitment to professionalism and a deep understanding of individual needs, we are here to support you every step of the way. Contact us today to begin your journey towards a healthier, more fulfilling life.

How to build and maintain healthy relationships - Quick Guide

Tue, 16 Jan 2024 13:42:26 GMT

The relationships we weave with friends, family, and partners are among the most vibrant threads. These connections shape our happiness and our mental health in profound ways. But let's be honest: Relationships can be as complicated as they are rewarding. Sometimes, it's hard to spot the signs of an unhealthy relationship because they can sneak up on us, becoming part of the norm.

So, What Does a Healthy Relationship Look Like?

Imagine a relationship where you and your partner talk openly, respect each other deeply, and ultimately trust. You both feel free to share your thoughts and feelings. It's about understanding and supporting each other, finding a balance between give and take. Conflicts? Sure, they happen. But it's not about winning but finding solutions that work for both of you. In a healthy relationship, you get to be authentic, creating a space that's as comforting as uplifting.

The Role of Communication and Respect

Good communication and a solid dollop of respect are the cornerstone of any strong relationship. It's about listening to each other, being honest yet kind with your words, and tackling problems together. If you're finding more arguments on your plate than discussions, or if the silence is becoming too loud, it might be a sign to take a closer look at your relationship.

The Importance of Setting Boundaries

Setting boundaries isn't about building walls but respecting each other's space, needs, and individuality. Healthy relationships thrive on this mutual understanding. But when boundaries get crossed regularly, it can feel like you're losing a part of yourself, which can lead to bitterness.

Trust and Honesty: The Invisible Threads That Bind

Trust is like the glue that holds everything together. It's about feeling secure and knowing your partner is honest and reliable. When trust starts to crack, it can shake the very foundation of a relationship. Repairing isn't always easy, but it's crucial for the relationship's health.

Quality Time Together: Strengthening Bonds

Strong relationships aren't just about being in the same room and genuinely being together. Quality time means engaging in activities that strengthen your bond. It's about listening, laughing, and learning about each other. When this piece of the puzzle is missing, partners can start to drift apart.

Supporting Individual Growth

A truly beautiful aspect of healthy relationships is watching each other grow. It's about supporting each other's dreams and goals. Growth isn't just personal; the relationship grows, becoming more prosperous and profound.

Let's Talk: Keeping the Lines Open

Make it a habit to check in with each other regularly. It's a time to share what's on your mind, to show appreciation, and to ensure you both feel valued. Sometimes, in the whirlwind of life, we forget to do this, and minor problems can start to feel more significant than they are.

Every relationship is a journey with its twists and turns. It requires patience, love, and the willingness to face life's ups and downs together. Whether you're just starting or have been together for years, nurturing a healthy connection is always worth the effort.

And if you ever feel like you're struggling, remember, asking for help is okay. For those moments, reaching out to a professional like a psychotherapist in Newmarket, ON can be a great support. We, at Rock of Peace Counselling, are there to help you navigate through the choppy waters of relationships. Our team understands the complexities of human connections and offers a guiding hand to those looking to strengthen their bonds. So, whether you want to improve a solid relationship or need help addressing some challenges, we, at Rock of Peace Counselling are ready to support you on your journey to a healthier, happier partnership.

RETREATS – A TIME FOR SELF-CARE

Thu, 11 Jan 2024 15:41:38 GMT

PART 3 - Dashing or Relaxing?

By Tina Weidelich

I could identify with Princess Diana’s following response in the series The Crown ( S eason 6, Episode 3 ). Can you? Dodi Fayed’s character advised her to “slow down… Stop being in such a mad hurry to find whatever it is you’re looking for,” where Princess Diana’s character responded, “I think that’s been the story of my whole life. Dashing around. And losing sight of myself in the process.”

Dashing around and hurrying can be unhelpful actions and states of mind, especially over extended periods.

What is more helpful? When asked to describe Jesus, late Christian philosopher Dallas Willard said Jesus was “ relaxed .” He only had three years to complete his mission, yet he fished, attended social gatherings, and took time out to pray and be alone, among other things.

How can we slow down and not lose sight of ourselves and what really matters? Why not take a retreat, even for part of a day? During a recent retreat, I realized I needed a lifestyle change and challenged myself to stop rushing, for example, by leaving early to get to commitments. I noticed when I do so, I feel more relaxed and at peace; I enjoy myself more and no longer need to worry about being late. After decades of hurrying, creating this new habit is hard for me to do, however, it has already made a difference for the better. What about you?

Giving Your Psychotherapy Sessions a New Spark: Simple Yet Effective Ideas

susan@rockofpeace.co (Susan Armitage) — Tue, 26 Dec 2023 12:35:37 GMT

Going through psychotherapy is like being on a path of learning and healing about yourself. Sometimes, though, it feels like you're not going anywhere. If you're getting therapy and it starts feeling stale, that's normal. It’s like reaching a plateau. A lot of people hit this point. There are some excellent ways to mix things up in your therapy and keep finding those deep, meaningful insights. Let's check out some ideas to keep your sessions interesting and helpful.

Chat Openly with Your Therapist

First things first, talk to your therapist about how you're feeling. Let them know if the sessions are getting repetitive. A good therapist will listen and work with you to determine what's going on and how to improve things.

Try a Different Seat

It sounds simple, but changing where you sit can make a big difference in your thoughts. Moving to a new chair or spot can give you a unique view and shake up the routine. It's a small change, but can change how you feel about the session.

Go Deeper

Sometimes, sessions feel dull because you must get into the intense stuff. It's worth trying to talk about the more complicated things – hidden feelings, challenging relationships, or stuff you usually steer clear of from your past. This can be where real growth happens.

Lighten the Mood Sometimes

Therapy can get pretty heavy, and it's easy to feel overwhelmed. It's okay to spend some time chatting about lighter things or even having a laugh. These moments can build a better connection with your therapist, sometimes leading to surprising insights.

Bring Along Something Personal

Taking something personal to your sessions, like photos or keepsakes, can add much to the conversation. These items can help your therapist better understand who you are and what's important to you, which can make for deeper, more meaningful talks.

Holistic Wellness

Think about adding other wellness activities to your life alongside therapy. Meditation, pilates, a sport, or exercise can support your mental health journey, giving you physical and mental benefits.

Review Your Goals Regularly

Every now and then, look at your therapy goals with your therapist. Ensure your sessions are still heading in the right direction and meeting your needs.

Stick with It

Remember, therapy is a journey, not a race. Progress can sometimes be a straight line. Stick with it, even when it feels slow. Every session is a step forward in its way.

Giving new life to your psychotherapy sessions is about talking openly, trying new things, and sticking with the process. With these steps and the support of a Rock of Peace Counselling therapist, your psychotherapy journey can stay dynamic and deeply rewarding. We offer help in areas like anxiety, depression, trauma, and relationship issues, and we're here to help freshen up your therapy experience.

Key Factors to Think About When Selecting a Psychotherapist

susan@rockofpeace.co (Susan Armitage) — Tue, 12 Dec 2023 07:54:15 GMT

Embarking on the journey of psychotherapy is a significant step towards self-improvement and mental well-being. It's a path that requires commitment and the proper guidance. Choosing a psychotherapist, therefore, is a decision that should be made with careful consideration. In this comprehensive guide, we'll explore the essential aspects to remember when searching for a psychotherapist who can help you.

Understanding Psychotherapy and Its Importance

Before picking a psychotherapist, let's explain what psychotherapy is and why it matters. Often called 'talk therapy,' psychotherapy is all about using different kinds of treatment methods to help someone work through and change difficult emotions, thoughts, and behaviours. It's a team effort between you and your therapist. The whole idea is to create a space where you feel supported enough to open up honestly to someone there to listen without bias or judgment.

Credentials and Specializations

Check Their Qualifications : The first step is to ensure the psychotherapist is licensed and qualified. Countries, provinces and states have various licensing requirements, so it's essential to check the therapist's credentials and ensure a reputable mental health organization recognizes them. At Rock of Peace Counselling, we are all members of the College of Registered Psychotherapists of Ontario, and some of us are also members of the Canadian Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.
Area of Specialization : Psychotherapists often have areas of specialization, such as anxiety, depression, trauma/PTSD, or relationship issues. Depending on your specific needs, look for a therapist with experience and expertise in that area.

Therapeutic Approach and Techniques

Understanding Their Approach : Psychotherapists use a variety of approaches, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), psychodynamic therapy, humanistic therapy, and many more. Understanding their approach and whether it aligns with your preferences and needs is essential.
Treatment Techniques : Inquire about the types of treatment techniques they use and how they have effectively dealt with issues similar to yours. Some therapists might also integrate alternative therapies such as mindfulness or art therapy.

Compatibility and Comfort

Comfort Level : The therapeutic relationship is built on trust and comfort. It's crucial that you feel comfortable and safe with your therapist. This can often be determined in the first few sessions.
Communication Style : Pay attention to how the therapist communicates. Do they seem understanding, empathetic, and patient? Their communication style can significantly impact your progress in therapy.

Logistics and Practicalities

Location and Accessibility : Consider the location of the therapist's office and its accessibility. If you're having face-to-face sessions, you'll want to ensure it's a place you can easily reach. If you enjoy the convenience of online sessions, you will also want to be sure that the platform used by the therapist is secure, such as Jane.App that we use here at Rock of Peace Counselling.
Availability : Look into their availability – can they offer sessions at times that are convenient for you? It's also worth asking about their policy on cancelling or rescheduling appointments.

Fees and Insurance

Cost and Insurance : Understand the cost of therapy sessions and whether they fall within your budget. If you have health insurance, check if it covers mental health services and if the therapist accepts insurance. We are covered under Registered Psychotherapy, Clinical Counselling,
Sliding Scale Fees : Some therapists offer a sliding scale fee based on your income. If cost is a concern, don't hesitate to ask about this.

Checking Reviews and Getting Referrals

Seek Referrals : Personal referrals can be a great way to find a therapist. Ask friends, family, or healthcare professionals if they can recommend someone.
Read Reviews : While considering everyone's therapy experience is unique, reading reviews can give you a general idea of what to expect from the therapist.

First Consultation and Ongoing Evaluation

Initial Consultation : Many therapists offer an initial consultation, sometimes at no cost. Use this opportunity to ask questions and gauge your comfort level with the therapist.
Ongoing Evaluation : Remember that it's okay to reassess your therapy journey. If you feel that the therapy isn't working for you, it's okay to discuss this with your therapist or consider looking for another one.

Selecting the right psychotherapist is a very personal choice, one that can significantly influence your path to improved mental health. Dedicating time to researching, posing questions, and trusting your instincts is crucial. Finding a therapist who truly clicks with you can foster a positive and effective therapy experience, paving the way for substantial personal development.

Embark on a journey of healing with Rock of Peace Counselling . Our expert psychotherapists in Newmarket, ON are dedicated to providing a supportive, judgment-free environment where you can openly explore and overcome your challenges. Let us guide you toward emotional well-being and personal growth.

Retreats - A Time for Self Care Part 3

Mon, 23 Oct 2023 17:50:52 GMT

How is your soul?

Are you feeling stressed or anxious? Do you desire to be more centred or find more peace or direction in your life?

If you answered yes to either question, consider venturing on a retreat for a day or more. Getting away to a retreat centre, cottage, beach, or place of safety and comfort can help you break away from your everyday life and aid you in seeing the forest for the trees or finding rest for your soul - where I define the soul as where your mind, will and emotions live.

In his book Soul Keeping, author and former pastor John Ortberg, recounts how he asked Christian philosopher Dallas Willard what he needed to do to stay spiritually healthy. Slowly, Dallas replied, “You must ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life.” Would this help you? When I read this quote, I realized that my decades of hurry robbed me from experiencing more peace and contributed to my struggle to relax.

How can you eliminate hurry? Try a retreat - preferably without an agenda. It can be a great tool to start and maintain you on this soul journey.

The POWER of Leaning Into Anxiety!

Tue, 05 Sep 2023 21:32:47 GMT

We all struggle with anxiety from time to time and it is completely normal! Our brains and body are wired in such a way that anxiety is motivated by our need for safety. Sometimes anxiety is triggered by something more concrete where there are high risks, but other times anxiety can be triggered by things that seem less obvious. So how should we respond when we’re faced with anxiety?

First, it is important to keep in mind that anxiety serves a purpose: That we protect ourselves. Since our brains and bodies are wired in such a way that anxiety is a necessity, it can never be cured, but if we can be okay with the fact that we will always have some anxiety, we can start working towards managing it when it feels like it is out of our control.

This can be done once we learn to lean into the anxiety rather than pushing it away, ignoring it, or catastrophizing the issue. The first step is to become mindful of how your body feels when you become anxious. It can be felt in different parts of your body, it may change your breathing or temperature, and it can make you feel like you’re sick. It can be helpful to implement some breathing exercises or relaxation techniques to be present with your body.

The second step is to be aware of the thoughts you are having while you’re anxious. How you interpret what is happening to you or around you can impact the anxiety and make it better or worse. It might be important to ask what it is you’re thinking at the moment, and what meaning you’re making around the issue. For example, the simplest thought such as, “It’s okay to feel this way,” or “It’s not okay to feel this way,” can make or break your coping progress.

The last step is to notice how your thoughts and physical symptoms of anxiety are making you feel. Naming each emotion that you feel can help to ease the intensity and help you understand what you are experiencing. For instance, “I’m feeling self-conscious because… and I’m feeling tired because… and I’m feeling angry because…”

When we remind ourselves that anxiety is normal, we can give up the fight on trying to run away or escape. Instead of these responses, a more realistic and healthier goal is to become aware of our physical symptoms, thoughts, and emotions more often. Once we are more aware, we open the door to accepting our current state which, in turn, gives anxiety less power, and gives you more POWER!

If you would like help conquering anxiety, please ask for me at Rock of Peace Counselling.

Christine Kim, Registered Psychotherapist

Embracing Your Worth: Cultivating Self-Compassion

Wed, 09 Aug 2023 09:05:18 GMT

In her transformative book titled "The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are," acclaimed author and researcher Brené Brown beautifully highlights the vital role of love, belonging, and self-worth in our lives. According to Brown, “love and belonging are essential to the human experience,” and to truly experience them, we must believe in our own worthiness (p. 31).

However, how can we foster this belief that we are worthy? Worthy of receiving love and worthy of feeling as though we are part of something greater than ourselves? (p. 35). Brown suggests many ways, including “learning how to trust ourselves, to treat ourselves with respect, and to be kind and affectionate toward ourselves” (p. 36). This can be challenging for many of us, not only because we often criticize ourselves harshly, but also due to past painful experiences that hinder our ability to treat ourselves with kindness.

One small step we can take to cultivate this sense of worthiness is by practising extending self-compassion towards ourselves. When negative thoughts arise, such as feeling that we have made mistakes or are not good enough, it helps to create some space between ourselves and these thoughts. This can be achieved by taking deep breaths or engaging in other soothing activities that calm our nervous system. We can also create distance by acknowledging the presence of negative thoughts, saying to ourselves:

"Okay, I'm noticing that my brain is struggling with thoughts of not being good enough, etc."

"I'm noticing there's a part of me that's thinking really negatively right now."

Next, we can offer ourselves words of kindness and understanding instead of criticism, such as:

"You know what, you made a mistake, but that happens sometimes, and I'll try to do better next time."

"You've been having a tough week, so it's understandable why you're feeling this way."

The key is to find words that resonate genuinely with us and to deliver them to ourselves in a warm and compassionate tone. Initially, it may not be easy, as learning to love and accept ourselves requires courage. However, the effort is well worth it because you are deserving of self-love and acceptance.

If you would like to learn more about embracing your imperfections and cultivating your sense of worthiness, I highly recommend Brené Brown’s book, "The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are.”

If you find that you need additional support in navigating cultivating self-compassion and developing a healthier relationship with yourself, reaching out to a therapist can be immensely helpful. A therapist can provide guidance, tools, and supportive space to explore and navigate these challenging emotions. Don't hesitate to contact me, Anna Kim, at Rock of Peace Counselling if you would like to explore therapy as a way to further support your journey towards self-acceptance and personal growth.

Retreats - A Time for Self Care Part 2 Go and Play!

Wed, 09 Aug 2023 09:05:14 GMT

Do you feel exhausted from pushing yourself to do things? Are you on the verge of burnout? It’s time to take care of yourself, but how?

I highly recommend you:

Go and play!

Take a day or a few to spend time at a retreat centre and enjoy the silence and surroundings - where the agenda is empty, and you don’t “have to do” anything.

What can that look like? When you are hungry, eat. When you are tired, fall asleep. When you are bored, play. Take advantage of the surrounding apparatus and tools and have fun! Jump on a trampoline, swing on a swing, blow bubbles, play with a toy, pet a dog, paint a picture, glide in a canoe, balance on a tightrope, read in a treehouse, walk a labyrinth, or snooze in a hammock. If you desire, invite God into your day and listen for God’s voice in the gentle breeze, on the printed pages of a good book, or in reflections posted on a tree.

Can’t get away now? Book a date, and in the meantime, practice playing in your playground.

by Tina Weidelich

Retreats – A Time for Self-care, Part 1 From 100 To 10: Taking Care of Yourself

susan@rockofpeace.com (Susan ROP) — Thu, 13 Jul 2023 14:05:44 GMT

“How do you feel?”

This is a common question I ask my clients, but now the tables are turned, and I have the opportunity to reflect on my feelings going into a four-day spiritual retreat. I feel exhausted – having run a three-year marathon completing my Master’s Degree in Clinical Counselling. I feel nervous – can I go from 100 to 10 kilometers per hour and receive the much-needed rest my soul needs? I feel excited – I know I need this time away. I can’t wait to see what happens.

Are you also in need of taking care of yourself?

As the flight attendants say, it’s necessary to place the oxygen mask on ourselves first to continue to help others, and I add, to “be” not just “do.” How can we “be” in our busy lives? Why not consider a short-term retreat or a spiritual retreat – a time to get alone, with God if you’d like, where the agenda and goals are free and open? This multi-part series will explore ideas, tips, and learnings from my healing times away.

by Tina Weidelich

Navigating Grief: The Vital Importance of Witnessing Loss

Wed, 12 Jul 2023 16:29:13 GMT

Grief, an experience as universal as it is challenging, can turn our world upside down, making us feel lost in a sea of overwhelming emotions. For those of us supporting someone navigating the grief journey, it can be very difficult to find the right words or ways to provide comfort.

If grief has touched your life, one essential insight to hold onto is the importance of having your grief witnessed, a sentiment beautifully captured in David Kessler's book, "Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief" (p. 29). Every individual's grief journey is distinct, yet there is a common thread that connects us all – our longing for our pain to be seen and acknowledged (p. 29).

In supporting those who are grieving, it's crucial to be attentive to their unique emotional landscape. They may be in a dark place, desiring your simple presence and validation of their pain rather than hopeful words, or they may be in need of gentle encouragement (p. 32). Regardless of their stage in the grieving process, offering your genuine presence and empathetic listening can be the most significant gift you can offer. Kessler rightly suggests, “Loss can become more meaningful—and more bearable—when reflected accurately, in another’s eyes” (p. 33).

If you are currently walking the grief path, sharing your pain might seem daunting. However, remember, your feelings matter. You are important. If expressing your emotions feels challenging, don't hesitate to reach out to trusted people in your life. Allowing them to witness your grief can be healing for “both body and soul” (p. 34).

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To further understand and navigate your grief, consider exploring Kessler's enlightening book, "Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief". This resource provides valuable insights into the unique journey of grief, helping you find meaning in the midst of pain.

Remember, you don't have to traverse the difficult terrain of grief alone. If you are in need of more support, you can contact me, Anna Kim, at Rock of Peace Counselling. We're here to witness your pain, guide you through your journey, and support your healing process. Your feelings matter, and you're not alone.

Developing Emotional Competence: A Key to Managing Stress and Promote Healing

Tue, 23 May 2023 17:03:58 GMT

In Dr. Gabor Maté’s book, “When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress,” he identifies three things in a person’s life that will invariably lead to an experience of stress: “uncertainty, the lack of information and the loss of control” (p. 34). Have you ever felt this way? For myself, I can say that I experienced all three in just this past week! Why this is important though, is because stress is closely linked to not only our mental and emotional health, but our physical health as well. In fact, “all three are present in the lives of individuals with chronic illness” (p. 34).

So what can we do? Interestingly, the answer is to develop emotional competence! Maté explains that “emotional competence is what we need to develop if we are to protect ourselves from the hidden stresses that create a risk to health, and it is what we need to regain if we are to heal” (p. 38).

And one of the first steps to developing emotional competence, and therefore healing from the impact of hidden stresses, is to practice “Acceptance” (p. 263). This is more than simply seeing and accepting the way things are in our life. It involves acknowledging and accepting ourselves as we are, including our imperfections. This doesn’t mean we have to like everything about ourselves, but it does require looking at ourselves as deserving of compassion, and challenging our belief that we are somehow not good enough (p. 264; p. 266).

One way to begin practicing this could be to ask yourself, “What would I say to a friend in the same situation as me?” What words of honesty and compassion might you offer them? What words would show them that you truly see and understand what they are going through?

Maybe something like: “You seem really hurt. No wonder it’s been so hard for you.” “What you’re going through, that must be really scary.” “I can see that you’re really angry, and I see why it’s so difficult for you to move forward.”

And then, if possible, try and see if you can offer these same honest, compassionate and accepting words to yourself. This can be challenging to do at first, but can become easier with time and effort.

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To learn more about the physical impact of stress, and the other steps to developing emotional competence, and healing, I highly recommend Dr. Gabor Maté’s book: “When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress.”

Or you can contact me, Anna Kim, at Rock of Peace Counselling if you are looking for more support in your journey to further self-discovery and healing.

Managing Your Thoughts

Thu, 11 May 2023 14:57:15 GMT

Imagine what life would be like if we hung onto every thought we had? I recently discovered a study by Tseng and Poppenk, which concluded that healthy young adults have an average of 6000+ thoughts each day. Wow, sounds like a lot!

Sometimes our thoughts can be reminders of tasks that we’ve forgotten about, eg., “Did I turn off the coffee machine?” Sometimes our thoughts are centred around a recent event or how we see ourselves, eg., “I mess everything up; when I finally spoke up, no one said anything.”

Thoughts come and go. However, thoughts begin to be powerful when we hang on to one over another. Thoughts can give us self-confidence when we hold onto an encouraging word from a trusted person. Thoughts can also make us think negatively about ourselves when we don’t do well on a test, or we don’t complete a task. Our thoughts can influence ways in which we view ourselves, others and the world around us.

Here is a simple example of how unchecked thoughts can spiral out of control: We see your friend down the street but they don’t wave or acknowledge us. We might think, “This person doesn’t like me, she never wanted to be my friend…,” then we might feel sad and start to isolate ourselves from others. Which leads us to have less time with others, and therefore, re-enforcing the thought that we are unlikeable. On the other hand, we might say to ourselves, “They probably don’t see or hear us,” leaving us to feel indifferent and more likely to say hi next time, which helps us build on the friendship, and the belief that some people do like us.

The same event can impact people differently based on the lens in which they view themselves, others, and the world. Considering the fact that we have so many thoughts a day, and the power that thoughts can have, what should we do with our thoughts? Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) looks at the thoughts we have and how they impact our emotions and behaviours. Here are some simple keys to managing your thoughts using this previous example:

Identify which thoughts you tend to hold onto; for example, “people don’t like me.”
Test the accuracy of the thought. Just because I think it, does not mean it is accurate or true. So, check the facts! Eg., facts: 1. The person was actually too far to hear anyone; 2. She wasn’t wearing her glasses, or I am guessing it was my friend because of something she was wearing - she was kind of far to see, for sure. (Note: facts are not based on our feelings or interpretation, they are just the data.)
If the thought is not accurate, truthful, or helpful, replace the thought with a realistic, accurate, truthful, and helpful, thought. Eg., “She may not have heard me nor seen me. I’m not 100% sure it was her. In the past, she has normally said hi. I’ll say hi the next time and ask if it was her.”
Remind yourself of the replacement thought - as you begin to replace your thoughts with helpful, truthful, and accurate thoughts, the old ones will still come around. Recognize the thought and practice letting go of that thought and holding on to the new thought.
Repeat ! By practicing thought replacement, you are teaching your brain new ways of thinking, which will eventually become automatic. It will take some effort, but you can get there. If your thoughts continue to leave you stuck and unable to move forward, reach out to a therapist who can help you develop more strategies to manage these thoughts.

If you are, or someone you know is, having thoughts of suicide or self harm, or are in distress, please call one of the numbers below right away (24-hour help lines):

Generally: Crisis Services Canada: 1.833.456.4566

Call 911 or go to your nearest hospital.

Ottawa:

Ottawa Mental Health Crisis Line 613.722.6914, or 1.866.996.0991 if outside of Ottawa

Distress Centre of Ottawa and Region: 613.238.3311

Youth Services Bureau 24/7 Crisis Line: 613.260.2360 or 1.877.377.7775 (Eastern ON)

Kids Help Phone: 1.800.668.6868 or Text 686868

Centre d’aide 24/7: (FR) 1.866.277.3553

Tel-aide Outaouais: (FR) 613.741.6433

Greater Toronto Area:

Suicide and Crisis Hotline: 1.800.448.3000
Mental Health Crisis Line: 1.888.893.8333
Distress Centres of Greater Toronto: 416.408.HELP (4357)

Trauma Recovery Using Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing

Sat, 01 May 2021 21:30:21 GMT

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)

I LOVE this therapy and so do our clients who receive this therapy. Here’s why: For clients, what is felt inside as a trauma settles down and begins to fade away as you begin to really live again. I can give you a couple of examples from our hundreds of clients who have experienced recovery:

A man – to maintain his privacy, let’s call him Gabriel - in his 50’s was told by his doctor that he had pre-cancerous cells in one of his lungs. As normal as it was to have heightened anxiety, Gabriel, went into debilitating panic attacks and couldn’t go to work. After days of not being able to go to work or function properly, he came to Rock of Peace Counselling and began the EMDR preparation and treatment. We were able to associate feelings connected to a childhood trauma where he was alone and afraid in a hospital room having just come out of minor surgery. In his experience back then, parents didn’t stay with their children, and children like him often felt abandoned.

Within four therapy sessions, he was able to settle and separate the subconscious emotions and memories from the past that were haunting his present. Within another session or two, we were able to solidify that positive experience, and months later when checking in on how he was doing, the therapy proved to be long-lasting. He was able to maintain the peace he experienced through therapy, although his medical concerns were continuing.

Another example I can give you is a woman, who thought she was long ago healed from her childhood sexual abuse, had been recently experiencing negative feelings in her normally healthy sexual relationship with her husband. With short-term EMDR therapy, she was able to reprocess the negative experiences she had in childhood, overcome the negative beliefs she had about herself, and move forward in her relationship feeling equally empowered.

These are two examples of how EMDR can help with trauma.

EMDR can also help people cope with and/or heal from:

PTSD and C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)
Personality disorders
Panic attacks
Complicated grief
Dissociative disorders
Disturbing memories
Phobias
Pain disorders
Eating disorders
Performance anxiety
Stress
Addictions
Sexual and/or physical abuse
Body dysmorphic disorders

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a powerful method of psychotherapy. To date, EMDR has helped an estimated two million people of all ages relieve many types of emotional and psychological distress.

EMDR Resources

Learn more about What is EMDR in this information sheet: What is EMDR?

Watch an informative video on EMDR:

Fixing Negative Patterns in Your Relationship Using EFT

Sat, 01 May 2021 21:15:02 GMT

Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT or aka EFCT)

If you are struggling with a familiar pattern in your relationship, finding yourself caught up in a “here-we-go-again” moment, this therapy is for you. Maybe you find yourself where one partner tries to talk things through but the other shuts down quickly and resorts to silence. Is it the silent treatment? Or is it a fear of escalation? How do you fix this pattern, and fix it for the long term?

A few of us here are trained in Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy and LOVE to help couples improve their relationships. It’s rewarding when we so frequently see GREAT outcomes with this therapy, where couples on the brink of separation stop seeing each other as the enemy and revert back to remembering why they got together in the first place and can rekindle the fire.

It’s worth the try!

Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy:

is a short-term approach (average 8 to 20 sessions)
is empirically reliable
expands & reorganizes emotional responses
creates new interactions and new relational patterns
fosters the creation of a secure bond between partners

As Marriage and Family Therapists, we primarily use Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) to help you discover what is happening behind the stress and anger that both you and your partner experience when there is marital discord. We can help you recognize your familiar patterns and negative interactions that send you into a downward spiral and help you learn to respond to one another with less anger, and greater empathy and insight.

With EFT, as a couple, you will be able to create a safe emotional connection so that when emotional stress hits, you will be able to turn toward each other for support.

7 Tips to Manage Your Family’s Mental Health While Social Distancing

Tue, 12 Mar 2019 16:48:38 GMT

COVID-19 has changed how we currently live our lives. Personally, I went from a mother and wife on maternity leave, to a teacher, full-time chef, parent, wife, and part-time worker.

It has been trying, to say the least. The reality is social distancing and working from home will most likely continue for a while. So, here are some helpful tips to keep your home running smoothly.

1. Assess the needs of everyone in your home

Ask yourself, are everyone’s needs being met? Consider Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, listed in order of greatest need. Focus on the first three primary needs.

Physiological – Are we eating healthy and drinking water? Is everyone warm and getting the proper amount of sleep?
Safety – Does each member of my household feel safe and secure? If not, how do I create a safe place for them?
Belonging and love – Does my child or spouse need a hug, affirming word or encouragement today?
Esteem – Are there small tasks/chores that each person can contribute around the home with to feel accomplished?
Self-actualization – How can I achieve my full potential in this season of life?

2. Get organized

When you need to balance the schedule of more than one person, getting organized will help you prioritize tasks and balance the needs of everyone. Keeping up a routine provides both children and adults with a sense of consistency and structure that can be comforting in a time of uncertainty. Keep to regular meal times and sleep times.

3. Coordinate Work Needs

If you have children, and you and your spouse need to keep working, consider these tips for keeping everyone moving forward.

Outline your work requirements and share them with each other.
Consider whose schedule can be flexible and whose is more rigid. For example, if you’re married to a teacher, chances are they will need to be online at a certain time for work. Collaborating to balance the work needs of everyone will help each partner feel heard and valued.
Be flexible. What might work for week 1 might not work for week 4.
When your workday ends, stop working! Don’t let work take over. You still need a home life.

4. Schedule Self-Care

The Oxford dictionary defines self-care as, “the practice of taking action to preserve or improve one’s own health”, and “protecting one’s own wellbeing and happiness.” You can’t rely on others to manage your self-care—it is your individual responsibility.

This can be as simple as going for a run, listening to music, taking prescribed medication for your wellbeing, reading a book, praying and meditation, or taking a hot bath.

Schedule self-care into your routine, or else, chances are, you won’t get it done.

5. Be reasonable

Even if our kids miss a couple of months of school, you can help them get through this. Listen to their teachers’ recommendations, and don’t overdo it.

Your kids are anxious too. Give them work to focus on. But mostly, just be available to them. They may not know how to handle their huge feelings!

Listen, comfort, validate (“Yes, this sucks and it’s scary, I’m a little scared too. Here’s what has helped me, ________”) – deep breathing, faith, realizing it’s okay not to be okay.

6. Create Family Goals

Work together with your family to have some goals that would be beneficial for your family’s wellbeing. There are many online tools to help anyone learn to play music, dance, stay fit, draw etc. As a family you can learn something new or work on a project that will bring the family together for a common purpose.

7. Connect

Connect with people on social media, FaceTime with family, call up friends, host a Facebook party, say “hi” or smile at a neighbour from afar and don’t forget to check in with people who are not online.

We are all navigating in new territory, so give yourself a break. Schedules will need to be re-evaluated and priorities will change.

Be kind to yourself and each other. Remember social distancing is temporary, not permanent.